Dear Gay Shamed,

About a week ago the SCOTUS legalized gay marriage! Its been all over the news and everything ever since and I can say that I am actually really happy. Its about time they got their act together right?

And if you don’t like that the act was passed just remember that your ass wasn’t invited to the wedding anyway nor were you even on the guest list. BYE.

So we celebrating, partying, having fun, being gay, fabulous and everything when, Saturday night, late Saturday night, I got a text from Hollister. Hollister, PA, Patron Saint of Sex and I are in a group message and have been since the start of our college careers.

We use the group message as a sort of group therapy, a Dear Abby sort of, to talk about our lives, relationships and our semi nonexistent sex life. A mobile Sex and the City if you will.

“Joe what’s the difference between a bear and an otter?” Hollister asks.

“One is a very mean animal and the other is a very cute animal?”

“No like the terms. Like the gay terms?”

“A bear is a chubby, gay man with hair. An otter is a skinny man with hair. A twink all grown up per say.”

“And what do you think I am?”

“Do you have hair?”

“Yes”

“Chest hair? Hair all around?”

“No.”

“Then you’re a twink. Sorry hunny someone’s gotta do it. Why?”

“There’s this new guy at work who’s gay and he keeps calling me an otter and I’m scared, Joe, I’m scared cause I’m not a fudge packer!” Hollister says and for the first time in a long time I can feel the pain he’s in.

“I know gays are terrfying. And with marriage now legal who knows what can happen. Ok did you tell him you were as straight as can be?”

“Twice.”

“Did you hit him?”

“I can’t do that.”

“Fuck and dump. That’s what I do. One fuck and dump both parties are happy.” Patron Saint put in her two cents.

“But I’m not gay…”

“Ask for money first. Who wouldn’t do it for money.” PA says.

“That’s true a lot of straight men do gay porn for money. Not that I would know…” I say.

"Am I being GAY SHAMED. I'm being gay shamed and I'm not even gay." 

And this is where the topic ends and we begin a new chapter. A chapter about Chinese babies and how freaking cute they are.

Oh!

And three days ago I quit my job.